I try not to blog more than once a week. All the models tell you no one really wants to hear from anyone, about anything, more than that. Once a week. And good little rule following OCD person that I am gladly obliges. Except for now. I feel like this time it’s worth it. I also don’t really care what the models and the “people” think. But that’s another blog entirely.
Yesterday was Mom and Dads anniversary. 56 years. And I had no idea until late in the day. For the past month or so I haven’t really known what day of the week it is, much less the date. So I was out on the water deep sea fishing, for the first time ever, living my life, oblivious to time and space. Just enjoying life. I got back to the condo, showered, cooked, ate dinner and was washing the dishes.
Then boom. I have no idea what hit me. I genuinely have no clue what happened to make me realize the date. I just know that I doubled over with a pain greater than anything I’ve ever felt, and let loose sounds that can only be described as primal. I felt my loss for the first time. It was their first anniversary with both of them gone and I was done in. Broken. Shattered.
I stood there stomping my feet like a spoiled toddler, wailing in a way I’ve never heard, brought to my knees on the kitchen floor of a strangers condo, as I used dish water soaked hands to try and wipe away nearly a years worth of grief and pain. I felt things I hadn’t felt until then.
A couple of times I tried to tell myself to buck up and get myself together. But I realized I needed to ride the waves and the pain and feel every last bit of my feelings or I would never ever be able to start to heal. After an hour or more I finally could see well enough to send messages to the friends closest to me. My sister. A couple of girlfriends. Another friend. I needed my tribe. One friend told me to go out on the water. Go to where I’ve felt the most peace lately, and talk to them.
So this morning I got up, had my coffee (momma and daddy’s girl), and then got my paddle board ready, and walked down to the water. I spent over an hour paddling and just talking. It was almost like some kind of prayer, this conversation I had with my parents. So much came pouring out of me. So many things I didn’t even realize I felt. I had no idea just how much guilt I carried that I had left my mothers side for half an hour and then she passed away, while I had been holding my dads hand when he left us. I knew it bothered me. But I had no idea how much.
Today brought so much out of me. So much conversation. So many things I told them that I didn’t know I missed sharing with them. And I finally got a little bit of myself back. After I got off the water, I walked back and showered really quickly then walked to the little beach bar where I had been putting my board in every day. I sat at the outside railing overlooking the bay, eating some oysters, and right there…close enough where I could have walked in to the water and touched them, were 2 dolphins playing. Right where I have been spending quiet time every day this past week. Right where I came in after spending an hour talking to mom and dad.
Every time in the past year that I have had an experience in nature and talked to my parents, 2 animals have shown up. 2 dogs. 2 birds. 2 dolphins. Happy first forever anniversary together mom and dad. I hope it’s the first of an eternity of anniversaries loving each other pure and whole.
#anniversaries #travel #adventure #healing #grief #wanderlust #hippiegirl #twodogsandablog #growth #makingmoriesallovertheworld